Thursday 3 October 2013

Hold Or Fold

You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
It's been said before, and it'll be said again. Most people don't understand this until they're well into their teens, and with good reason. Life has a way of getting more complicated with age, and that's where all these wise sayings and quotes come into existence. The bad side of these wise sayings, however, is that they get so re-used and over-used that people stop listening. Their meaning and impact dissipate over time, and they become naff and old. People don't want to hear the same things over and over. 

Being a firm believer in goal-setting and dream-chasing, I also think it's important to keep life advice fresh and interesting. Facebook's been doing a pretty good job lately on their memes, but the truth is, until you have your own experiences, most of them will mean nothing more to you than philosophical jargon. This is where holding and folding becomes important.

You might be at a stage in your life where you don't feel like anything is really happening for you. You could be at a total crossroads where too much is happening at once and you have no idea how to handle it all. The good news is, this blog is relatable in either situation. If you don't understand it yet, you will eventually. 

The truth is, we all go through things in life that force us to make tough decisions. Sometimes it's even our ignorance of making these decisions that puts us into the crossroads. Either way, at some point or another, you'll have to face the music and choose what's worth keeping and what isn't. If you're a poker player, you'll already have an idea of where I'm going with this. At the end of the day, you can put things off as much as you want, but you will eventually need to either accept your situation or choose to change something about it. You can't be happy both ways. 

Since I love to learn things the long and complicated way, I'll use an example from my own life. Friendships. I used to hold onto so many friendships that weren't doing anything positive for me, friendships that took more than they gave. Why was I wasting my time on these people who didn't really care about me? Because when you're an early teenager trying to figure out who you are, you hold onto anything that comes along. Maybe not you, but that's what I did. On top of this, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be the girl in school who didn't have friends around her all the time. I thought it was the only way to survive the shark tank. Obviously I was wrong, but I didn't realise that until years later. Instead, I just held onto these 'friends', believing it was better to be a part of the crowd feeling miserable, than to find my own place in the scene and be happy. I took the easy way out.

This is the thing about misery and sadness, and pretty much anything else that's negative. We love to hold onto it all. We become obsessed with self-pity, and protect it like a open wound. It stings like crazy, but you wouldn't dare complain. Because it's better to feel like crap underneath and hide it under layers of fake smiles, than to admit you're not comfortable and be looked at differently. So you hold, when all you really want is to fold.

Anything in life that presents multiple choices will bring you to the same crossroads. For example, careers. There are three types of people when it comes to chasing dreams. Firstly, if you have a dream, and everyone you know is supporting it, then it's easy to chase it. There's nothing stopping you but your effort. So of course you're going to work hard for it if everything about it looks positive. All you need to worry about is your competition. 
Then there are those of you who have a dream, but everyone around you seems to be against it, and you know in your soul that it's what you want. So what the hell do you do, right? 
The last group are those of you who have supporters and critics, but the real problem is yourself. Maybe something in you doesn't feel quite sure about it, and doubts are constantly pulling you down. 

At the end of the day, everyone's either fighting competition, critics or doubts. Life would be too idealistic if everything came easily, and you'd never learn anything about yourself or the world. So what you're faced with is a crossroads. This is where so many people get lost or give up. But this is also where you need to decide whether to hold or fold. It sounds so easy when it's put into such a simple phrase. But how do you even know what to do? 

These are my top five signs that will tell you whether you should follow the yellow brick road or go back to Kansas.

1. Conscience.
They say it never fades, and I sure as life can testify to it. If you're doing something, or about to, and your conscience keeps telling you it's not good for you, it's probably time to listen to it. Your body doesn't talk to you because you're imagining things. It's reminding you of the things you know in your heart but can't admit with your mouth. 
At the same time, if your conscience is completely clear and at peace with what you're doing, then it's a good sign that you're making a move in the right direction. And for the love of all that's right, don't confuse doubts with conscience. Doubts are speed bumps; conscience is a mountain. It won't go away.

2. Instinct.
Again, it's a sign from your body that something's not right. If your instinct is screaming at you to not do something, it's probably because somewhere deep down inside you, you know it's not what you want or need. Your body is a lot smarter and in-sync with your actions than you think. Give it some credit.

3. Motives.
The subtle drivers that stay with you from beginning to end; motives are what drives you to start things, but they're not always good. Batman and The Joker both had motives behind their actions, but they led them to very different outcomes and reputations. So take the time to ask yourself, why am I really doing this? What is my motive? Is it going to lead me to good decisions, or bad ones? It's important to have a motive, but make sure it's for the right reasons.

4. Intentions.
This one leads on from the last point, and although they're two different things, they work hand-in-hand. You need to question how genuine your intentions are. If what you're doing holds bad intentions for others, or yourself, you need to recognize the red light before you crash into something.

5. Your Brain.
It sounds ridiculous that this made the top 5, but it's amazing how uncommon common sense is these days. Your brain is one of those things that's so basic and obvious that it's ignored just as easily as it is noticed. Let me put this one plainly: forget your heart for five minutes and pay attention to your brain. If you know in your head that your plan is either genuinely naive or poorly thought-out, something needs to change. You either need to re-assess the feasibility of your plan/goal, or start again. And if it's just plain stupid, save yourself the embarrassment of going ahead with it. There are times when you need to fight for what you want, but if you know it's a waste of time, it's time to fold.

If you've cleared the checklist, congratulations. If you're in denial, please take note that I put the point on Conscience first, with good reason, and maybe start again.

So what if you still don't know whether you should go ahead with it? The best way to figure it out is to make a list. Split it into two columns, and make a list of everything it will do for you and add to your life in a positive way on one side. Title it something really creative like "Plus". On the other side, all the things it's going to take away from your life. This one could be titled "Minus". 

If your situation is a friendship or relationship problem, for example, you'll write all the things the other person is adding to your life, and then all the things they take from your life. There needs to be a healthy balance leaning towards the Plus side for it to be a worthy cause of fixing. If it's not, you probably didn't need that friend in the first place. Don't think I'm just being cynical, because all relationships, whatever form they take, need to balance the gives with the takes. It's not fair for the other person to use you when it suits them, and then forget about you when you need them.

Sit down and be honest with yourself. You need to do a genuine assessment of your plan, otherwise it's pointless. If your Minus column outweighs the Plus column, it's probably time to fold. If your Plus column honestly outweighs the Minus, and you've assessed the former five tips, you have more than enough reason to hold.



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